Well this year, just like many years before-I have been challenged to think of something I am thankful for everyday during the month of November. I have done it before, been shallow and cliche writing things that I am thankful for, but things that did not take a look into my heart. This year, as I was discussing this with a close friend, she said why don't we do something that is specifically connected with each day. I thought this was a great idea, and would allow me to dissect what is on my heart and on my mind.
Some days there are things that are on my mind all day that clearly is what I am thankful for-and others it seems hard to find something directly related. Those days are usually directly related to selfishness or a bad attitude, which once again again, brings me back to a humble heart.
The last few months have been a work in progress overhaul. I have moved home, am not in school, am not with my "college" friends, adjusted to being home in regards to friends, church and activities-and more so the focus of a job and/or career is like a cloud over my head. When I say cloud, I mean it, because sometimes you are so thankful for the cloud-in the shade or bringing the rain-and other days you desire to be in the sun making the cloud a hindrance to your plans. I, like many other people, do not have a passion for one certain career path. Growing up, I was not the child who wanted to be a doctor their whole life, or had some one talent that so overwhelming shadowed all other things in my life that it was clear what I was supposed to do. I could do many things, but did not have a love for anything specific. As I have gotten older, and even more so just in recent months-I have realized that I enjoy helping people. Not in the "look at me, Im so self sacrificing" way, but in the everyday, kinda boring and seems insignificant way. I like to develop relationships which allow me to subtly influence people.
Probably the weirdest thing is that one thing that has remained constant throughout my whole life is that I did not like school. I liked sports and extracurriculars-but I never liked school. I liked to learn and I like to read, but of course not what is assigned. I have been substitute teaching for about 8 weeks and have fallen in love, but I am not nieve to the world. I know that falling in love, means that you can fall out of love. I know that substituting is nothing like being there everyday with the same kids, dealing with their struggles, and discipline issues, and the mountains of paperwork. I have been praying that a door would be soo wide open or soo closed that there was not a doubt in my mind. I wanted to put out the fleece. And before I could even finish the sentence a door was opened, giving me the opportunity to have somewhat of a trial run of teaching. It is in a class that many people struggle with, and with the least appealing age of students. But, without hesitation, I took the opportunity because it was precisely what I had asked for. After only a week, I still enjoy it, I still look forward to the class day, and I still am questioning whether this could be a job for me.
This is where the struggle manifests itself. How do you define success? If your goal has always been to "be successful", then if you are not successful in your own personal opinion you will have never reached your personal goal. What if what you have pictured your whole life as what you would be "when you grow up" changes-then do you feel like you have disappointed yourself? Do you feel like a failure or a waste? How do you change that preconceived notion of what YOU always thought would happen? Knowing that God IS in control, and that He does have a hope and a future-then you are reminded that His ultimate plan is what is best. But on the other hand we do have free will to do what we want. There are a few things that I dont believe have absolute-one of them is a life career. I think often people are confused on the difference between a calling, a career and a job. A job pays the bills, a career requires lots of time and life investment, and a calling is something that is ultimately decided by the Father. I also believe that people can have many different callings during their lifetime-not like once you decide your "calling" then you are "stuck" there for the rest of your life. I think that often as your life changes, that you calling too can change.
This IS my battle.
I know that as a woman, that my first calling for life is to be a wife and mother, if I am to ever be married and have a family. I also know that there are many careers that do not allow for the flexibility to just quit/leave and come back-so what to do? Do you choose a career where you will be successful by the worlds standards and deal with that bridge if you ever come to it? Do you plan for the future and try to make decisions that will benefit a future family? Or do you become ignorant or selfish and do whatever makes you look the best? I realize that every one is different, and I say these things coming from a personal perspective, not casting judgement on anyone else. I dont want to choose something because I think it is the easy way out, or because I have come complacent in life. I want to choose something because I can make a difference, and ultimately because the Lord has designed me to be the key in the lock of life.
For now, I am still thinking, praying and writing my list of pros and cons-haha.
I hope you have taken a look at your heart and looked at what you have to be thankful for as we approach the one day of the year that the world dedicates to being a little less selfish.
until then....
